No explanation. Just that the friendship was over. And as she turned away and left, I sobbed on the corner of Fifth Avenue, and for many days after, even now, almost a year later, my heart aches as I write this. It can be worse than a romantic breakup because you feel like you lost your sidekick, your go-to person, your safety blanket. Not only could this be why it hits harder, but it also leaves us mentally unprepared to handle the situation.
Which is why, when it happens, it can feel all sorts of uncomfortable. Benjamin Ritter, founder of Live for Yourself Consulting and The Breakup Supplement, says that losing a close friend can feel like you are losing a part of yourself and that there are a few immediate things you can do to help yourself heal.
The more I told people other friends and co-workers what happened to me, the more I realized that not only was I not alone, but that plenty of people have been on both side of the conversation, even as the friendship enders. The other technique she suggests is talking about the bigger picture and explaining your decision. Almost a year later, I think about that ex-best friend on a weekly basis and wonder what I did to make her want to end our friendship.
While I may never get my answers, the experience has been a learning opportunity, reminding me to continue to put effort into being a good friend to those I care about in my life, and teaching me what not to do should the time come when I am the one doing the unfriending. Want more tips like these? Sign up for our newsletter and follow us on Facebook , Twitter and Instagram. IE 11 is not supported. For an optimal experience visit our site on another browser.
Then, you can do your best to get clarity from your friend at this stage. But if a part of your healing process might be to say your piece, or to apologize if you are the one who did something wrong, then you need to apologize whether they write you back or not.
Jackson recommends moving towards using the language of gratitude. One of the biggest worries that comes with a friendship breakup can be how it will impact your wider group of friends.
You can feel very close to some people; others only enter your life because they are friends with your friends. Make it a habit to take the pulse of your most important friendships regularly. This involves having very real conversations, and regularly checking in with each other in a meaningful way that can flag problems before they become problems. So when a friendship is over, what does that mean for me and who I am? You can find her on Twitter at maryhalton. But I can tell you that people spend a lot of their individual therapy time talking about their friends.
If there are ruptures or issues with friends, people talk about it a lot in therapy. And it should be. Why do you think it sometimes feels harder to mend a friendship? They are like the fabric that makes human existence matter. People [should not] feel oddly about the fact that they care so much—because everyone does.
What kinds of elements of couples therapy do you think can be incorporated for people who are trying to solve an issue with a friend? And then, figure out a way to speak openly about the motivations that are nested in certain conflicts. Just be honest about that stuff. Like setting aside a time to talk in person?
Yes, certainly no text wars. It could be another trusted friend, to help people sit down and hear each other. Another thing that comes up a lot are questions about navigating a new phase of a friendship—maybe one person gets married or has kids and it makes it harder for them to get together or to relate to each other. Do you have any thoughts on how to renegotiate the expectations in friendship?
I think those kinds of transitions—when one person in the friendship is moving at a different pace or going in a different direction—are very painful. I think it would be good to think of a friendship as a lifelong thing, to think about it as a long haul.
A person can be preoccupied and busy for years, and they will come back if you sit steady and you keep feeding the friendship. But they do find each other again.
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